Pregnancy has a funny way of messing with your emotions. It also forces you to face up to things in your life that perhaps before, you could always push to the side. Pregnancy is such a rollercoaster and coping with the ever changing symptoms and feelings that comes along with it, can be difficult. Already suffering from depression and anxiety (as some of you may have read about in my other blog), I was already prepared for the fact that pregnancy may make it worse. I wouldn't actually go as far as to say it has made me worse but it has certainly made me discover a lot about myself and made me realise that I should stop blaming myself for feeling this way. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish what is just those pesky hormones and what is genuine depression and anxiety. Either way I feel I am doing great with coping with it all. Whenever I feel sad, it doesn't take much to put a smile back on my face again. It just takes a little kick from my baby girl or looking at all her little clothes lined up in the wardrobe, ready for her arrival. I know now that I don't have to ever be ashamed of suffering from depression.
Pregnancy has also made me see, for the first time, who is genuine and who isn't in my life. I find it strange that some people find it difficult when someone finds happiness in their life and things are genuinely going right for them. I don't put it down to jealously because that would be awfully bigheaded of me and plus, who would ever be jealous of me?! I don't ever rub my happiness in anyone's face, I just simply embrace it because it really is SUCH a long time coming for me. I have spent most of my life with a dark cloud looming over me and for the first time I feel genuinely happy with the direction my life is heading in and my dream to become a mother, is coming true! I was told before becoming pregnant that during pregnancy you find out who your true friends are and this is so true. I am a pretty damn awesome friend so the way I see it is, if at the end of this all I only have a handful of people left in my life, at least I will know they are genuine. On the other hand, people who I never really spoke to before have become so genuinely interested in my life, offering advice, asking how I am etc...so much so that I am truely touched.
It actually took me a long time to accept that fact that I am actually pregnant, I am actually going to give BIRTH to a baby and have a DAUGHTER. It has only become a bit more real since I have felt her move and then one day, it clicked that I had a little growing human being inside me. With the extreme happiness, I am not afraid to admit, comes a lot of fear. I am scared of how my life will change and I constantly question myself-will I be a good mother? Am I grown up enough? Will I cope with the pain of pregnancy? All pretty normal questions I guess.
To become a mother is something I have always wanted. To become a father is something that Michael has always wanted. So I know our daughter is coming into the world to two people who have wanted her desperately for so long and will love her absolutely unconditionally. That is all that matters. Having been together for almost 7 years we have built a wonderful relationship, spent so many special 'couple' times together but now we are very ready for the next chapter. We spend every single day talking about the future, what we will do with our daughter, what we will teach her and what she will be like and we call her by her name (which I am still trying to keep secret but failing slightly...) I cannot wait for the day I hold her in my arms because I know it will simply be the best day of my life and nothing else will ever compare.
xoxo
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