Tilly is sleeping peacefully at the moment so I finally have a chance to sit down and type out my 'birth story'. A little disclaimer before I start-if you don't like blood or references to female genitalia then stop reading now haha! Also this may be full of spelling mistakes as I'm trying to get it all in before her next feed!
So anyway, it all started last Saturday 14th when we had had a really quiet day with Tilly's movements. As I have mentioned previously in my blog, we had many moments and trips to the hospital because her movements slowed down and the visit we made to the hospital last weekend was our third official visit to have her monitored. After monitoring us both, they were satisfied that we were both ok but decided because this was the 3rd episode of reduced fetal movements, they wanted to keep me in and induce me. Now even though I was told this was a possibility, I was completely unprepared which really wasn't a good start to it all. I thought naively that they may let me go home and then I would come back the following week to be induced-but no, they wanted to do it there and then. I had no stuff with me and was quite quickly placed on the antenatal ward. I was really scared because I had read that inductions can mean a more painful labour as it all happens so fast. My mum and Michael had to go home and I was left on the monitor to check Tilly's heartrate and told to try and sleep-as if! Something called a pessary (a long tampon thingymebob that placed inside you...lurvely!) was put in at 9.40pm to start labour. A pessary doesn't always work for everyone so I didn't hold much hope that it would get things going but I was told it could take up to 24 hours. At this point I was exhausted and I desperately wanted to sleep but my mind just wouldn't switch off. The ward was so noisy and hot and I felt full of panic-I was so desperate to meet Tilly but at the same time, I was fully expecting not to have even given birth to her by now (23rd Sep) and I hadn't mentally prepared myself. In the end, I got just 1 hour sleep and felt dreadful come the morning.
It was 6am when I first starting feeling contractions and from what I remember that felt quite mild. Like period pains and tightenings that would come and go around every 7-10 minutes. I remember thinking 'wow, I can do this, it's not that bad!' but I knew it would only get worse. Michael was allowed to visit from the early morning and it really helped him being there, he was amazing and kept me calm and rubbed my back when I needed it.-I tried to have breakfast but I was so exhausted so just spent the time chatting to Michael and we began using a contraction timer on my Ipad so we could see how close they were to eachother. By late morning they were still coming but still bearable although mostly in my back because at that point I believe her position was still back to back which was why it was hurting so much. By about 1pm, they started getting a lot more painful-I can only describe it as a feeling that someone is ringing out your insides. I thought beforehand that it would be like my IBS cramps but they were a whole lot worse. Saying that, I found breathing REALLY helped. I would breath in and out really heavily (probably making silly noises) and the midwifes were constantly saying 'breathe through the pain and don't hold your breath'. I have to say, it did take the edge off a little at that point but I still felt very uncomfortable so they suggested a bath. Michael came and sat with me and I lay in there for half an hour whilst the contractions became very close, about every 3-4 minutes. After the bath, I went back to my room and my mum was finally allowed in and I felt a little calmer having them both there. The contractions started slowing again which was confusing as I always thought they would get closer together-I thought all my hard work had gone to waste and I was going backwards!
By 5pm, the pain was almost unbearable. I hadn't had any pain relief up until then other than the bath so they suggested another one. My mum came and sat with me but this time, the bath did nothing and without being too crude, I felt extreme pressure in my bottom and a feeling like the baby was about the fall out of me! By this point the midwifes hadn't even examined me because they assumed I was only about 1-2cm by then. I thought enough was enough, I told the midwife about the feeling of pressure in my bottom and they reluctantly decided to examine me. This was the worst moment in the whole labour-I would do it all again if it wasn't for the two cervix examinations. I literally screamed out in agony and I still get shivers when I think about it. The first midwife couldn't tell how far dilated I was because I couldn't lay still and I was begging her to stop. I have never felt so much pain in my life and knowing I would have to have it done again was horrible. Another midwife came in and she tried to examine me again-it was even worse this time. It felt like someone was sticking their hands into my insides and pulling the baby out. I screamed and screamed and when she had finished she had a huge smile on her face. "Guess what! You are about 6cm-7cm dilated, probably a bit more!". I couldn't believe I was already in proper established labour and the midwife high fived us all and said how great I had done to get that far with no pain relief. It was then that things really started going and they were getting ready to take me to the delivery suite. Unfortunately by this point I was so delirious through no sleep, I can't remember much but they offered me pethidine which they said would help. At the time, it didn't help the pain...it just made me SO drowsy, I wasn't talking sense and I felt completely high and spaced out. I didn't like it and asked whether once we had got to delivery, whether I could have an epidural. I figured I had got to 7cm, I deserved a bit of relief for the last part!
I don't remember how I got to delivery but the midwifes were so, so nice and I used some gas and air (good stuff) whilst I waited for the epidural. The contractions started to slow down so they used a hormone drip and I was put on various other things because I was very dehydrated. Finally the anaesthetist arrived, I sat up and they put the epidural in (I don't remember this being done) and also a catheter (again, don't remember!) although I do remember the sense of pure relief when I could no longer feel the contractions. I still felt 'something' but I managed to doze off for a few little 10 minute sleeps. I started feeling contractions again, they weren't bad but they offered me a top up (and then another one) so help me relax. I believe it was about 11 ish when they started discussing when I should push-they wanted to put it off a little because my contractions were slowing but finally decided on 12.45am to start pushing. I remember feeling excited because I knew the end was near and I would soon be holding my daughter. I started pushing and I remember thinking about One Born Every Minute and hold they were always told to 'bear down' which I tried to do. I started to panic but I started feeling a lot more than I thought-pain and pressure but I had to keep going, they said it was good I could feel it because I could push her our faster. It's true what they said-it does sort of feel like you are pushing out the biggest poo EVER! haha and I focused on this and pushed with all my might, trying to breathe the way the midwife told me to. I can't begin to describe the pressure I felt when her head started appearing-whilst it agonising, it was also satisfying because I knew we were nearly there. The whole time, my mum and Michael were by my side and they were both amazing-I couldn't have done it without them. After 30 mins of pushing (which I think is pretty good!), Tilly's head finally appeared and the relief was incredible-I barely felt her body come out, I just heard a huge gush and within seconds she was placed on my chest and I was in complete shock that she was finally here. I still find it hard to remember all the details of our first moments because of the drugs but I remember seeing her little face and talking to her, telling her that I would never let anyone hurt her or never let her feel sad. I felt completely overwhealmed, as did we all-Michael was bawling his eyes out and we couldn't believe that our daughter was finally here.
Tilly was placed inside my nightie and we spent some wonderful time with her just next to my skin, so special. Michael took some photos of our first moments and then she was taken and put under a lamp, weighed etc and checked over I believe (still don't remember much about that part). I felt no pain anymore but the midwifes were concerned about my blood loss, it was dripping all over the floor and I also had a second degree tear. It was humiliating, having my legs up in styrups whilst they stitched me up for at least 40 minutes and I just wanted to hold Tilly desperately. I then had a lady come in to help me breastfeed which is the part of the whole experience that still upsets me-she was very rough and wouldn't let me take my time getting Tilly to latch on. She groped me and forced my breasts to produce milk which felt very painful. I was close to tears because I wanted my first breastfeeding experience to be wonderful and she completely ruined it. I managed to give her some collostrum and by this point I felt so exhausted and overwhealmed with emotion-after the stiching and checking, we somehow got to postnatal (all a blur!) and put in the ward.
It was about 3am by this point and Michael and my Mum had to go home but I desperately wanted them to stay. I was in pain from stitching, my back and legs hurt and again, I only got 1 hour sleep before I was awoken by other babies on the ward and lots of noise. I fed Tilly and she was perfect but the postnatal staff were not kind to me, they made me feel inadequate because I was struggling to breastfeed. They said because she was so small, she needed top up formula and they often critisised me 'you don't have enough blankets on her!' and 'why on earth do you have the window open?' (I didn't). I just tried to focus on bonding with Tilly and Michael came as soon as he could in the morning to be with us. I did chat with a really nice midwife at one point who put my mind at ease about everything and was really kind. I still had had only 2 hours sleep over 2 days and couldn't think straight-Michael got some wonderful cuddles and when my Mum arrived she did too. The thought of having to be on that ward another night, filled me with panic-I knew I wouldn't sleep and after lots of begging, they decided to offer me a single room away from the noise so I could get a good sleep. I am truely grateful for that and that night, I managed to sleep 4 hours and take care of Tilly with no help, I felt no pressure and it was wonderful having time just us. The next day, the 17th, the midwifes were happy that we could go home after lots of checks and discussions and I felt so happy that I could bring Tilly home and we could start being a family. Writing this all out has helped because I still feel traumatised by the whole experience. I know I had it A LOT easier than many but I still have flashbacks which fill me with tears. However all I have to do is look over at my precious Tilly and the pain goes away. I am so in love and she is so perfect.
The recovery afterwards has so far been ok-yes it's hard looking after a newborn when you have lots of stitches, after pains and you are exhausted but I have had so much help at home it's unreal. My mum has been amazing and Michael..well, just incredible. He has stayed up all night with Tilly just so I could sleep-he changes more nappies than I do and does everything he can to make things easier with my recovery. He is a wonderful father and I am so happy we are all together, the journey has only just begun....xxx
p.s: I have a new blog I am starting when I have time called 'You, me and Tilly' where I will be logging all our wonderful moments together. It will hopefully be up and running soon! x
