My birth story

Tilly is sleeping peacefully at the moment so I finally have a chance to sit down and type out my 'birth story'. A little disclaimer before I start-if you don't like blood or references to female genitalia then stop reading now haha! Also this may be full of spelling mistakes as I'm trying to get it all in before her next feed!

So anyway, it all started last Saturday 14th when we had had a really quiet day with Tilly's movements. As I have mentioned previously in my blog, we had many moments and trips to the hospital because her movements slowed down and the visit we made to the hospital last weekend was our third official visit to have her monitored. After monitoring us both, they were satisfied that we were both ok but decided because this was the 3rd episode of reduced fetal movements, they wanted to keep me in and induce me. Now even though I was told this was a possibility, I was completely unprepared which really wasn't a good start to it all. I thought naively that they may let me go home and then I would come back the following week to be induced-but no, they wanted to do it there and then. I had no stuff with me and was quite quickly placed on the antenatal ward. I was really scared because I had read that inductions can mean a more painful labour as it all happens so fast. My mum and Michael had to go home and I was left on the monitor to check Tilly's heartrate and told to try and sleep-as if! Something called a pessary (a long tampon thingymebob that placed inside you...lurvely!) was put in at 9.40pm to start labour. A pessary doesn't always work for everyone so I didn't hold much hope that it would get things going but I was told it could take up to 24 hours. At this point I was exhausted and I desperately wanted to sleep but my mind just wouldn't switch off. The ward was so noisy and hot and I felt full of panic-I was so desperate to meet Tilly but at the same time, I was fully expecting not to have even given birth to her by now (23rd Sep) and I hadn't mentally prepared myself. In the end, I got just 1 hour sleep and felt dreadful come the morning.

It was 6am when I first starting feeling contractions and from what I remember that felt quite mild. Like period pains and tightenings that would come and go around every 7-10 minutes. I remember thinking 'wow, I can do this, it's not that bad!' but I knew it would only get worse. Michael was allowed to visit from the early morning and it really helped him being there, he was amazing and kept me calm and rubbed my back when I needed it.-I tried to have breakfast but I was so exhausted so just spent the time chatting to Michael and we began using a contraction timer on my Ipad so we could see how close they were to eachother. By late morning they were still coming but still bearable although mostly in my back because at that point I believe her position was still back to back which was why it was hurting so much. By about 1pm, they started getting a lot more painful-I can only describe it as a feeling that someone is ringing out your insides. I thought beforehand that it would be like my IBS cramps but they were a whole lot worse. Saying that, I found breathing REALLY helped. I would breath in and out really heavily (probably making silly noises) and the midwifes were constantly saying 'breathe through the pain and don't hold your breath'. I have to say, it did take the edge off a little at that point but I still felt very uncomfortable so they suggested a bath. Michael came and sat with me and I lay in there for half an hour whilst the contractions became very close, about every 3-4 minutes. After the bath, I went back to my room and my mum was finally allowed in and I felt a little calmer having them both there. The contractions started slowing again which was confusing as I always thought they would get closer together-I thought all my hard work had gone to waste and I was going backwards!

By 5pm, the pain was almost unbearable. I hadn't had any pain relief up until then other than the bath so they suggested another one. My mum came and sat with me but this time, the bath did nothing and without being too crude, I felt extreme pressure in my bottom and a feeling like the baby was about the fall out of me! By this point the midwifes hadn't even examined me because they assumed I was only about 1-2cm by then. I thought enough was enough, I told the midwife about the feeling of pressure in my bottom and they reluctantly decided to examine me. This was the worst moment in the whole labour-I would do it all again if it wasn't for the two cervix examinations. I literally screamed out in agony and I still get shivers when I think about it. The first midwife couldn't tell how far dilated I was because I couldn't lay still and I was begging her to stop. I have never felt so much pain in my life and knowing I would have to have it done again was horrible. Another midwife came in and she tried to examine me again-it was even worse this time. It felt like someone was sticking their hands into my insides and pulling the baby out. I screamed and screamed and when she had finished she had a huge smile on her face. "Guess what! You are about 6cm-7cm dilated, probably a bit more!". I couldn't believe I was already in proper established labour and the midwife high fived us all and said how great I had done to get that far with no pain relief. It was then that things really started going and they were getting ready to take me to the delivery suite. Unfortunately by this point I was so delirious through no sleep, I can't remember much but they offered me pethidine which they said would help. At the time, it didn't help the pain...it just made me SO drowsy, I wasn't talking sense and I felt completely high and spaced out. I didn't like it and asked whether once we had got to delivery, whether I could have an epidural. I figured I had got to 7cm, I deserved a bit of relief for the last part!

I don't remember how I got to delivery but the midwifes were so, so nice and I used some gas and air (good stuff) whilst I waited for the epidural. The contractions started to slow down so they used a hormone drip and I was put on various other things because I was very dehydrated. Finally the anaesthetist arrived, I sat up and they put the epidural in (I don't remember this being done) and also a catheter (again, don't remember!) although I do remember the sense of pure relief when I could no longer feel the contractions. I still felt 'something' but I managed to doze off for a few little 10 minute sleeps. I started feeling contractions again, they weren't bad but they offered me a top up (and then another one) so help me relax. I believe it was about 11 ish when they started discussing when I should push-they wanted to put it off a little because my contractions were slowing but finally decided on 12.45am to start pushing. I remember feeling excited because I knew the end was near and I would soon be holding my daughter. I started pushing and I remember thinking about One Born Every Minute and hold they were always told to 'bear down' which I tried to do. I started to panic but I started feeling a lot more than I thought-pain and pressure but I had to keep going, they said it was good I could feel it because I could push her our faster. It's true what they said-it does sort of feel like you are pushing out the biggest poo EVER! haha and I focused on this and pushed with all my might, trying to breathe the way the midwife told me to. I can't begin to describe the pressure I felt when her head started appearing-whilst it agonising, it was also satisfying because I knew we were nearly there. The whole time, my mum and Michael were by my side and they were both amazing-I couldn't have done it without them. After 30 mins of pushing (which I think is pretty good!), Tilly's head finally appeared and the relief was incredible-I barely felt her body come out, I just heard a huge gush and within seconds she was placed on my chest and I was in complete shock that she was finally here. I still find it hard to remember all the details of our first moments because of the drugs but I remember seeing her little face and talking to her, telling her that I would never let anyone hurt her or never let her feel sad. I felt completely overwhealmed, as did we all-Michael was bawling his eyes out and we couldn't believe that our daughter was finally here. 

Tilly was placed inside my nightie and we spent some wonderful time with her just next to my skin, so special. Michael took some photos of our first moments and then she was taken and put under a lamp, weighed etc and checked over I believe (still don't remember much about that part). I felt no pain anymore but the midwifes were concerned about my blood loss, it was dripping all over the floor and I also had a second degree tear. It was humiliating, having my legs up in styrups whilst they stitched me up for at least 40 minutes and I just wanted to hold Tilly desperately. I then had a lady come in to help me breastfeed which is the part of the whole experience that still upsets me-she was very rough and wouldn't let me take my time getting Tilly to latch on. She groped me and forced my breasts to produce milk which felt very painful. I was close to tears because I wanted my first breastfeeding experience to be wonderful and she completely ruined it. I managed to give her some collostrum and by this point I felt so exhausted and overwhealmed with emotion-after the stiching and checking, we somehow got to postnatal (all a blur!) and put in the ward. 

It was about 3am by this point and Michael and my Mum had to go home but I desperately wanted them to stay. I was in pain from stitching, my back and legs hurt and again, I only got 1 hour sleep before I was awoken by other babies on the ward and lots of noise. I fed Tilly and she was perfect but the postnatal staff were not kind to me, they made me feel inadequate because I was struggling to breastfeed. They said because she was so small, she needed top up formula and they often critisised me 'you don't have enough blankets on her!' and 'why on earth do you have the window open?' (I didn't). I just tried to focus on bonding with Tilly and Michael came as soon as he could in the morning to be with us. I did chat with a really nice midwife at one point who put my mind at ease about everything and was really kind. I still had had only 2 hours sleep over 2 days and couldn't think straight-Michael got some wonderful cuddles and when my Mum arrived she did too. The thought of having to be on that ward another night, filled me with panic-I knew I wouldn't sleep and after lots of begging, they decided to offer me a single room away from the noise so I could get a good sleep. I am truely grateful for that and that night, I managed to sleep 4 hours and take care of Tilly with no help, I felt no pressure and it was wonderful having time just us. The next day, the 17th, the midwifes were happy that we could go home after lots of checks and discussions and I felt so happy that I could bring Tilly home and we could start being a family. Writing this all out has helped because I still feel traumatised by the whole experience. I know I had it A LOT easier than many but I still have flashbacks which fill me with tears. However all I have to do is look over at my precious Tilly and the pain goes away. I am so in love and she is so perfect.

The recovery afterwards has so far been ok-yes it's hard looking after a newborn when you have lots of stitches, after pains and you are exhausted but I have had so much help at home it's unreal. My mum has been amazing and Michael..well, just incredible. He has stayed up all night with Tilly just so I could sleep-he changes more nappies than I do and does everything he can to make things easier with my recovery. He is a wonderful father and I am so happy we are all together, the journey has only just begun....xxx

p.s: I have a new blog I am starting when I have time called 'You, me and Tilly' where I will be logging all our wonderful moments together. It will hopefully be up and running soon! x

39 weeks....this is it! x

I am 39+1 today so 6 days until my due date. I know 'due dates' mean nothing really, babies arrive when they want to arrive, however I like knowing that we're pretty much ALMOST there and at the very most, only have 18 days before we meet our little girl. I'm still hoping she will come this week though, you never know! Here are some photos of my 39 week bump (thank you Michael), I have no idea how a 6-8lb baby fits in there, I feel rather small! Her movements feel huge though, her favourite thing to do at the moment is kick me in the ribs! Ouch.

So yesterday I had an appointment with a midwife, which isn't generally routine at 39 weeks but my consultant sensed my anxiety at my 38 week appointment and thought it would be beneficial for me to go over my birth plan and any worries I have. I wrote a birth plan way back when I was about 30 weeks and haven't looked at it since but being a writer, I do like to have things in my head written down on paper, so I am sure it will come in useful. Anyway I had the usual checks and all is well with baby (although she hasn't engaged anymore in the past 3 weeks, she clearly loves being wedged up in my ribs) however that day had been a quiet day for movements so I was put on a monitor for about 45 minutes to check all was well. The midwife was happy with the trace however because this has happened quite a fair few times, she feels that if it happens again anytime soon, they will probably induce me early. I don't particularly want to be induced but lackage of movements at this stage in pregnancy have to be taken very seriously. She has moved a little more today though-our little girlie is rather stubborn. She moves when she wants to, no form of coaxing (cold water, lying on my side etc) will get her to wiggle if she doesn't want to! It is always better to be safe though, so if they want to induce me, that is what will have to happen.

Whilst I was on the monitor, we went through my birth plan and my questions (I wrote a list!) and the midwife was sooo lovely. She actually made giving birth sound like a pleasant experience! I'm not kidding myself, I know it will be painful but I feel like I have eased myself of this fear that I 'won't be able to do it'. Of course I will!  She suggested a water birth which is something I haven't considered but more willing to try now. I think you have to be prepared for all eventualities so whilst I cannot 'plan' labour, I have ideas from the midwife now on how to make more relaxing. 

I feel I can do nothing more now than wait. Everything is ready for her arrival. Every day feels like a week. I keep getting a cramp or backache and hoping this is it! And then it fizzles into nothing. I actually feel pretty good right now, I never thought I would actually WANT pain! I can't sleep anymore because I keep imagining the moment I see her for the first time, how am I going to feel? Who is she going to look like? I already feel so in love with this baby, knowing she is just right there and fully developed but I can't hold her is becoming difficult. I am impatient I know but can you blame me....

xoxo

38 weeks, 2 weeks to go!

I realised I hadn't done my 38 week blog update this week, whoops! I am actually 38+3 today and only 11 days away from my due date, can you believe it?! I read back through my old blog posts the other day and looking back to January when we first found out, really brought back some memories. Time went super fast between weeks 30-37 and now it has literally ground to a halt. Every day feels like a week! I honestly hope every day is the day she will arrive, I get excited when I get a cramp or backache...but nothing! I honestly think she will be late and I have always believed she is due around the 23/24th. I guess it is just a waiting game now but boy, is the waiting BORING! 

I have had zero signs of labour to be honest...trust me...I analyse everything at this point. I keep telling myself that we only really only have 3 1/2 weeks at the most (I think in the UK they don't let you go beyond 2 weeks overdue but don't quote me on that!) until we finally get to meet her. Also, she is still developing and growing and if she is happy in there, well I am happy too. I had my 38 week check up this week, which should normally be with my GP but I saw a consultant because of my recent heart issues. Everything is looking good with my heart and I was reassured that if my pulse went that fast during labour (it has reached around 140 during my pregnancy) then I will be closely monitored-so that put my mind at ease. She also checked my bump and baby's heartbeat and she is happy that she is doing well. She is slightly engaged which is a good start but I am planning to go bouncy ball crazy over the next 2 weeks to encourage the little cheeky monkey to engage even more! However I have read some babies don't even engage properly until labour so who knows! Pregnancy is full of conflicting advice and information, I think it is best to just go with the flow.

I talked to the consultant about my anxieties about labour (although I am feeling a little less anxious than I was previously) and she has arranged for me to see a midwife next Tuesday to go through my concerns and also my birth plan with me. I keep reminding myself that every pain I go through is one step closer to meeting our daughter. Maybe 'pain' is the wrong word as you are going through it all in order to achieve something wonderful, unlike any other sort of pain. A few lovely people have recommended some hypnotherapy (or is that the wrong word?!) to help me relax so I am going to spend the next few days watching some stuff on Youtube.

In terms of practicalities, we're all sorted. I think we were sorted about 10 weeks ago haha! I'm putting all my hospital stuff downstairs by the door this weekend...then it really will feel real argh! I'm officially on maternity leave now, Michael is back to work and my mum starts her new job on Monday so I'm hoping I don't go into labour whilst I'm alone or my waters break whilst in Tesco or something. I am so bored but so incredibly tired (although I have been extremely lucky to have slept so well during pregnancy, I am still sleeping 9-10 hours a night. Thank you Argos pregnancy pillow!) so I can't do much. I have just been watching films, doing my writing course, napping and eating too many marshmallows and pop-tarts.

I couldn't be bothered to do an official 38 week bump photo for my blog this week but last Sunday was mine and Michael's 7 year anniversary and we got some lovely photos then.

 

 

 I managed to make it up to Southwark where we visited our favourite posh restaurant called Baltic and I ate lots of steak and dessert. We then came home, ate more cake and watch some films in bed-it really was nice and not too overdone, I don't think I could have managed to do much else!

Apoligies for the text heavy post-I will be back this weekend with another post and will do a 39 week one next week as soon as I remember. Or maybe even a 'She's arrived!' post...how exciting would that be?!

xoxo

37 weeks! Whoooo!

I am 37+3 today so a little late with this post! I am not sure why 37 weeks is considered 'full term' or what it even means but it sounds pretty good to me and I like saying, "I'm full term now!" If she were born this week (although I would like her to stay cooking a little longer!) she would most likely, according to websites, 'thrive' as she is pretty much fully developed now. Her little lungs are doing well, she is still putting on a little weight but she must be around 6lbs or so now. I feel I have done a pretty good job is keeping her safe and healthy in my belly. I am putting on lots of weight now, not sure if that is a good thing or not but have put on 5lbs in 12 days! That can't all be chocolate cake?! Anyway...here is my full term bump! I shall miss taking pictures every week but I guess I will have someone else to take snaps of soon enough ;)

 Posing in my sunnies as always.

 

I've almost perfected the self take after many years of practice.

Still no 'real' signs of labour, although it feels as though she is engaging a lot more now (also I have a feeling she has moved from back to back now, thanks to lots of bouncing on birthing ball!) which means, not long to go! I reckon she will stay in there until at least the 20th September. I've had constant cramps in my lower stomach which the midwifes keep telling me is 'stretching' and 'preparing' for labour. I've had backache and pressure but that is about it! I've had only a couple of braxton hicks during my whole pregnancy. I'm not complaining at all as I'm lucky I've not been in agony like others BUT I am eagerly awaiting the proper signs she is coming! My next appointment is my 38 week check up with a consultant because of my recent heart problems however thankfully all the blood tests were fine as well as the heart echo so as to what is going on with my ticker...your guess is as good as mine!

Baby's movements have been really worrying recently and both Michael and I have been a little anxious. On Wednesday she barely moved at all and we were very close to visiting the hospital again. I know that baby's movements slow down so close to labour BUT we know what she is like and what gets her moving and she was very, very quiet. However come Thursday morning she had moved a few times and then was as active as ever! Cheeky monkey.

 I am still being naughty and buying some clothes. Not too much though I promise! I especially love this Ladybird romper from Tesco. I sneakily used some discount codes and got it very cheap. Our poor daughter will be dressed up like a bumble bee, frog, teddy bear...and will most likely never forgive me when she is older haha!

I also picked up this 'tummy time' mat from Ebay-we do have a few playmats and things but I like this as it has a little support thing attached. Obviously, it's pink!

So that is about it from week 37, can't believe there is so little time left until my due date! I honestly feel ready but I still keep finding things to do, like keep re-packing my hospital bag. I have packed loads of snacks but I have a feeling I won't be eating any of them! I am so worried I have forgotton something! Next week, I better actually put it all by the door so it's ready to go. IT'S REALLY HAPPENING! WHOOOO.

xoxo

Packing my hospital bag!

Boredom on a Bank Holiday Monday has led me to write this post about packing my hospital bag! I thought it may be useful to someone as it's sometimes quite confusing to know what you actually *need* to take to hospital with you. Labour and the whole birthing process is so unpredictable I guess you can never be fully prepared though can you?

Firstly I don't know how anyone packs all they need in one single bag! I have a little suitcase and a weekend bag and I'm still struggling for space! I would highly recommend using a little suitcase on wheels-I plan to get Michael to lug it about everywhere anyway ;)

First up I have a weekend bag filled with my stuff. I think giant knickers are very important. Not very attractive...but important. I am normally a size 12 but I have gone up a few sizes in the underwear department during pregnancy and I can't be doing with thin thrilly knickers, so I've packed nice big Bridget Jones ones! In my own bag I have also packed a toiletry bag (see below), breastpads, nighties (with buttons down the front for easy breastfeeding), slippers and socks (feet get cold during labour apparently) and at the last moment I shall pack some comfy clothes, make up and things like camera, charger etc. I know it may seem weird taking make up but for me, I feel that little bit better when I'm wearing at least some mascara. I am fully prepared to look like a sweaty, horrible mess but if I get an opportunity I would like to put some on. VERY importantly I have packed a list of vital numbers: local taxi numbers and numbers for triage, the main hospital and day assessment unit.

I decided to go for mini toiletries just to save on space. You can buy them in Boots for 3 for 2 at the moment and I got things like face wipes, shampoo and shower gel. I also have some Lanisoh cream, hair bands and things like flannels.

In my main suitcase, I have baby's bag as well as a few more of my bits like a dressing gown, nursing bras and lots of maternity pads for that lovely post-birth bleeding (before pregnancy I had no clue that you can bleed for up to 6 weeks after birth, fun times). I have also packed about 15-20 nappies which may seem a lot but I don't know how long I will be in hospital for!

I am using my pretty Hello Kitty (who else) changing bag that Michael bought me for all of baby's stuff. It's so pink, love love love!

In baby's bag I have packed in a lot! Things like a baby bath sponge, cotton wool, muslin cloths, wipes, cream etc. I also packed some socks, scratch mitts, a hat and booties.

The main bulkage comes from all the clothes I have packed! I have lots of vests in both newborn and 0-3 as I am not sure at all what size she will be. Also a few sleepsuits and 2 dresses, one which she will probably wear home! I've also packed a little comforter/bunny we bought her and a blanket. I went for a lightweight one as it can be quite warm in mid-September!

I still need to pack some snacks and drinks for us, things like my camera (I have a new shiny one for lots of cute photos), chargers and my phone which I can only really pack last minute. Otherwise I am READY! argh!

xoxo

36 week blog video! x

It's been a while since I have done a blog video, 2 months in fact! I filmed one today, as always the visual quality sucks but never mind. Hope you enjoy ! xoxo

Unfortunately I can't seem to upload my room tour video which I filmed on my Ipod but as soon as I can figure it out, I'll put it on here!

xoxo

35 weeks!

35+2 weeks today, less than 2 weeks until I am 'full term' and only 4 weeks and 5 days until my due date! Here is an interesting little comparison to my bump at 24 weeks and my bump now-I thought I hadn't grow much (please excuse my giant arms!) but looking at this, wow!

 

I am feeling so incredibly heavy right now. I can't lie down without seeing little baby body parts sticking out and I can't bend over without feet in my ribs! She has been an active little lady recently which has made us very happy. I really feel like my body is getting ready now, as scary as that sounds! I've been getting stomach cramps on and off now for a few days, definitely not contractions, but I've had a lot of immense pressure and I think that may be baby getting ready to engage any day soon now! I imagine whilst I'll be able to breath easier, my penguin waddle will be even more enhanced. I'm trying to limit myself in what I do but I find it so boring just staying in and find myself constantly nesting! My hospital stuff is 90% packed, or should I say mini suitcase (which is full to the brim!) and all I need to pack now is last minute stuff like change of clothes, toiletries etc. It's rather scary seeing the suitcase standing by our bed all ready to go if anything happens! 

This past week I feel that, despite the discomfort (and let me tell you, this stage of pregnancy for me is the toughest) I am just floating around in a bubble of happiness simply waiting for our little girl to arrive! Time is going quickly and it may sound cheesy but I feel a lot more at peace with the process of giving birth now, well as calm as I possibly can be! The unknown is horrible and as a first time mum, I can only go on what people have told me what labour is like. I have heard such a variety of birth stories which tells me that labour really is different for everyone, no two births are the same. I desperately want to meet our baby so this pain is something I will have to go through but it is a GOOD type of pain because every hour that passes will be one step closer to being with her.

We had our antenatal class last weekend which was fantastic and highly reassuring for me. The midwife talked about contractions and compared them to mountains which I thought was a great analogy and helped me visualise it all a bit more-the pain will reach its peak at the top of the mountain but once you are there, you know it will 'come down' and end soon. I like to be able to visualise things like this because it will help me deal with the pain. We also learnt lots about breastfeeding, something I really hope to do and how to look after a newborn. It all made me very excited to meet her next month and I think I am truely ready now.

xoxo

p.s: Despite saying I have bought everything for baby, I still have been naughty and bought some clothes. Here are a few bits I've bought.

Before we meet x

To my beautiful daughter,

This is the last letter I am going to write to you before we get to meet you. You are due to be born in only 5 weeks time-how time has flown. Me and Daddy are so excited but you probably know that because you can constantly hear us talking and singing to you. We have been waiting for this moment for so long, you are the most precious thing in our hearts and right now, you have no idea how happy you will make us. You make us so happy now, every day and almost every moment we mention your name, we smile, we picture what it will be like when you are here. We hope that we can make you the happiest girl in the world.

Mummy has had some sad times in her life but I want you to know that we will never let anyone hurt you or make you cry because we are going to protect you with everything in our power. I never want you to feel alone because no one could ever possibly love you as much as we do. I already know you are a beautiful little baby who will turn into a smart, smiling little girl. Our family may be small but you don't need anyone in your life who is going to let you down-our little circle of happiness is all you need sweetheart. We will more than make up for anyone or anything missing.

Right now, you are almost ready to be born and I may be in pain but you are so worth every moment of discomfort. I know you must find it fun to bounce on my bladder and kick me in the ribs every day! The moment I hold you in my arms will be the best moment of my whole life-but then you will give us so many amazing moments. I can't wait until you can walk and talk, share our silly sense of humour, when you say 'mummy' and 'daddy' for the first time, when you first laugh, when you learn to swim, when you start school....all these milestones we have to look forward to.

You have made me feel a type of happiness I have never felt before-it's so real and puts everything negative I have ever felt into perspective. Your Daddy and I have spent the most amazing 7 years together as a '2'. We've travelled to beautiful countries, shared in eachother's academic success, seen eachother start new careers, shared millions of laughs and tears, been there for eachother through tragic moments and every day our love and bond has grown stronger. 

Now though, it's time for us to be a 3 and YOU will be the one to make our hearts and life complete. Keep safe in there my darling, we will be together soon.

Love your adoring mummy, Cheryl x

34 weeks pregnant and 41 days to go! x

41 days to go! That really doesn't sound long does it? Eeeek. I'm 34+1 today and I had my antenatal check up which went well. Blood tests and ECG came back fine so no explanation for my heart racing and palpitations! Maybe I'm more anxious than I think I am about birth! (I am petrified to be fair!) Baby is the right size and in the right place-I've had lots of pressure erm 'down below' recently which the doctor said is her getting ready to engage! Exciting because when she does it will really hit home that she is ready to make her appearance soon!

I had a soppy moment yesterday whilst listening to some music whilst I was home alone. It didn't help it was an emotional song but I just started crying because I realised (yes finally!) that I am about to become a mother. Someone responsible for another human being! And a huge feeling of happiness just rushed over me, I had never experienced anything like that before.

I'm happy to report that she has been moving like crazy this week, which is such a relief after last time. The movements have also really changed in recent days-she feels huge in my stomach and I get ripples and glides rather than kicks now. They're also VERY uncomfortable haha. It's very surreal seeing baby body parts poking out of your skin but also reassuring to know she is busy in there and hopefully, happy. She has hiccups about 2-3 times a day now and always when I am trying to drift off to sleep-they can sometimes last 15 minutes!

Here is my 34 week bump and I treated myself to a new dress! It's not maternity so I should be able to wear after baby arrives, it's from a shop called Store 21. Again, still don't feel my bump is any larger than last month although my stretch marks are coming thick and fast! I have put on a pound in weight this week too. Still only had 2 braxton hicks as well.

I have generally been feeling ok but so exhausted and waddling everywhere! I get tired doing the smallest things so I guess I really need to take it easy. Time is actually going really fast now, Michael and I are ready to go if she decides to come early! We have bought pretty much everything, my hospital stuff is almost packed and I've been reading up a lot on labour, people's birth stories and pain relief like epidurals. I'm trying not to read the scare stories though! I'm a whimp with pain so I'm hoping to surprise myself when it comes to giving birth...!

Our antenatal class is on Saturday! 4 hours long! Excited! Just excited about everything at the moment so I shall keep using lots of exclamation marks! yay! yay!

xoxo

33 weeks pregnant: Headaches, hospitals and hiccups!

Check me out, I'm now 33 weeks pregnant. 7 weeks (or 6...or 9...depending on when baby decides to make an appearance!) to go! That's like less than 2 months, you know. I'm still ultra paranoid that my bump isn't growing at all (neither is another part of my anatomy but that's a whole other story!), even though I've put on 2lbs in a week. Maybe it's just what I am wearing but I almost think I look smaller than a few weeks ago?! I guess it's normal for every pregnant woman to think their bump is too small/big/round etc.

 Same pose...different week.

This week has been quite dramatic in pregnancy land. Last Wednesday I went for my 32 week check up and whilst everything seemed great with baby, the doctor was a bit concerned about my fast pulse (which unfortunately is ALWAYS fast no matter what I am doing) so referred me for some tests. I had an ECG last week which seemed to go ok but he also wants me to have some blood tests so hopefully that will go ok. I'm hoping it's just something innocent enough but we shall wait and see. I also started getting palpitations last Thursday which sucked because they are HORRIBLE and damn scary. 

I have felt ok for the last few days but have started getting a new third trimester symptom (they love just creeping up on you when you think you're having a good day...as if to say 'fuck you! you've still got a long way to go!' in the form of painful headaches. So that's all lovely. 

Baby Dommett also gave us a little scare at the weekend which meant we had to spend a few hours in the hospital. I have mentioned elsewhere in my blog that she is a quiet baby and doesn't kick/move a lot (or least I don't feel much, thanks anterior placenta) but the weekend was unusually VERY quiet and we only had about 4 movements in 24 hours which is very little. Instinct told us not to ignore it so Michael and I went to Kingston Hospital who I have to say, were lovely and kept me on a monitor for a couple of hours. They were happy with her heartbeat and she did start moving a few times whilst I was lying down but they still felt that she wasn't active enough. The frustrating thing is they couldn't explain why and said that maybe she is just a quiet baby and it's just 'one of those things'. Not very reassuring but they said if it happens again we can have a scan to see if anything may be wrong. I don't think it is but at this stage, you worry about anything and everything.

She had a busy bopping day yesterday though (maybe it was the 3 course lunch...) which was a huge relief and she is now getting hiccups a lot, sometimes 3 times a day which is rather cute. I can just imagine her going 'hic hic hic' inside my belly. It feels weird!

Michael and I are pretty much sorted for baby stuff now, we popped into John Lewis yesterday and cooed over their beautiful stock as well as a super cute newborn baby we saw on her daddy's shoulder. We looked at eachother and thought, 'that will be us soon!' I have started packing things for the hospital as I think around now is the time to start. I find I keep adding more and more things and feeling unsure if it's neccessary. I will need a small suitcase by the time I am finished!

 Note the super big sexy knickers. Lucky Michael.

I have picked up a few little bits this week-a gorgeous 'Hungry Caterpillar' toy from a charity shop for 80p, a beautiful fleece buggy blanket from Ebay, nappy bin from Asda and a few clothes from Ebay and Tesco. I love the Hello Kitty sleepsuits (£4 Tesco sale!) as I'm a big fan of the HK.

 

So the next 7 weeks involve lots of waiting, I have a check up next week and a midwife appointment at 36 weeks. Michael and I also have our antenatal class next Saturday which will be fun ;) In the meantime we are enjoying the summer holidays together, on Thursday we are off to our favourite place Arundel which will be lovely (where we want to get married weeeeeeee). I'm going to be annoying and count down all the weeks and days to my due date now (49 actually) but didn't I do that already?!

xoxo 

p.s: After baby is born I shall be closing this blog and starting a new one. I really want to chronicle the special times we get to have with our little girl and maybe even offer some advice along the way. So watch this space!

32 weeks and 8 months preggers!

I've abandoned the usual question and answer layout because I got bored with it-today I have reached 32 weeks pregnant which in technical terms is kinda 8 months pregnant? The whole weeks/months thing is confusing because there isn't necessarily 4 weeks in a month but I am going to say 8 months because it sounds good...okay?

(I love how they feel the need to tell you where the vagina is, just in case you're not sure....)

I'd love to say at this point I'm glowing and blooming but 32 weeks is uncomfortable, sweaty and time is going too slowly! Getting out of bed in the morning requires a rolling display worthy of a gymnastics olympic medal. Bending down without wanting to throw up is an achievement and now even my maternity clothes don't fit anymore. That's fine because I am always happy to buy new clothes but isn't this pregnancy/baby lark rather expensive? If it's not breast pads to buy then it's nipple cream, unattractive nursing bras...the list is endless.

Don't get me wrong though, 32 weeks pregnant is pretty fab too and I hate to moan so much (however it is my blog and I'll moan if I want to...haha). It means only about 8 weeks until we meet our daughter. GAH. That's not long at all is it? I'm currently feeling the standard mixture of nerves and excitement at the moment mixed with a little bit of 'omg I can't believe I will soon be responsible for a tiny human being'. Throughout my pregnancy I have always been in a slight state of disbelief and even now, I still am. It sounds crazy because I've watched my stomach grow, seen her on 2D and 3D scans, felt her swish about in her own beautiful way-so why can I still not believe I am about to become a mother? 

Talking of stomach growing-this is my 'bump' this week. I thought it was about time I had one taken outside, albeit on my highly unattractive balcony. 

Can you believe this was my teeny tiny baby bump at just 9 weeks?

I am still off work although technically my 'signed off' period has come to an end now and the summer holidays are beginning. My maternity leave officially starts on 20th August when I will be 36 weeks. I have been so bored so I have just started to wash baby clothes and get some stuff together for my hospital bag. I also wrote out my birth plan the other day although I really just wanted to write, "PLEASE GIVE ME AN EPIDURAL!" however I tried to stay a little bit more positive than that. Who knows, I may find labour a complete breeze....! Yeah, right.

The summer holidays also means that Michael is now off work so we can have some nice couple time before Baby Dommett arrives. If I could fast forward the 8 weeks and have her here with us I totally would, we are both so desperate to meet her. Unfortunately we don't own a time machine so we shall enjoy the summer together-we're going to Arundel next week and also going for an afternoon tea, a special 'first time parents' antenatal class and no doubt we will do something lovely for our anniversary on the 1st September (unless baby makes an early appearance!).

I'm having my 32 week pregnancy check up tomorrow so I am hoping all is well. No scans for me but I think they will check the size of my bump, baby size/position etc. I know for a fact she is still breech (her kicks are all ermm down below and her head is wedged in my ribs!) which at 32 weeks is still fine. However fast forward 4 weeks, if she is still breech then I believe discussions may have to be had. I have already decided that if this happens, which really is a very small possibility, I do not want an ECV (where they turn the baby from the outside). It's a personal choice and after lots of research, it's not something I want done.

However I'm SURE baby girl will do her little spinning thing and be head down soon so I'm really not worrying.

So here we go...32 weeks...8 weeks to go....bring it on!

xoxo

n.b: my last blog post was a little serious but it was something I felt I needed to write. Perhaps I am weak and too scared to tell the people that I feel who are letting me down, the truth. To be honest I don't think they know. I use my blog as an outlet for my feelings because I can express myself pretty well through writing. It wasn't meant to make anyone paranoid and maybe I should just step up and say what I feel in real life rather than over the internet!

Changing relationships and pregnancy

Reaching towards the end of my pregnancy, I thought I would take a little time to reflect on the changing of relationships that have occured during this year. As I draw even closer to becoming a mother, I really have noticed a difference in so many ways-some good and unfortunately, some bad. They always say that when you are pregnant you find out 'who your true friends are'. I wouldn't necessarily agree with the wording of that statement but I certainly would agree that you find out who loves you for YOU and who is willing to stay loyal in your life.

I have always been the type of person to go out of my way to be there for people, to ask how they are and to arrange to meet up. I used to think this was a great trait to have but it can really have its downsides, i.e: you can easily be conned into thinking people like you when in fact it's you who makes all the effort. Don't get my wrong, being kind and caring is a wonderful thing and I will always be that way. However it's when you become TOO nice that relationships can become a problem. It's not about 'not caring' but it's about knowing when to take a step back when relationships just become too one-sided. It's at this point in your life you MUST rid yourself of anyone who takes advantage and doesn't bother.

During my pregnancy, I have learnt a lot about myself and how immature I can be and in turn, I have learnt to be a bit more mature with my emotions and how I react to things. It's a fact that some people just aren't interested in babies or motherhood or how far along you are in your pregnancy-it's just simply not of interest to them. That's all fine because it allows you to see amongst your circle of friends, who is just there for the old you and who is there for the person you are about to become. The type of friend I think is perfect isn't neccessarily one who has to be obsessed with all the same things you are but one who takes the time to send you a text to ask, 'How is it all going?' and to show a little excitement in the same things you do-even if they're not in that stage of their life. I have seen people drift away from my life but I have also seen new people surface who I couldn't be without now-those are the people who care enough to text or to message you sometimes even when they have a lot going on in their lives. I really couldn't do without those people and I'm lucky that I can still say I have a few like that in my life.

I am still working on my sensitivity to things. I want my daughter to share that trait of mine but not in the same way because for me, it has often become a damaging trait which leaves me upset for sometimes, trivial reasons. For example, earlier this week I sent out an email to everyone I work with to say a little goodbye (I have unfortunately been signed off so I haven't been to work since the beginning of June) and the share the news of my due date, wishing them all a happy Summer. Out of everyone I got just two replies. For most people, who would simply just shrug it off, I took it very personally and ended up automatically thinking that no one cared (I know deep down this isn't true). It's things like that, which lead me to be so over sensitive, that I want to learn how to deal with in a better way.

Back to changing relationships-I have also seen many positive changes which I have really embraced during pregnancy. I have become friends with other mums and mums to be who have shared invaluable advice and even though we may have never spoken much previously, it doesn't matter because we now have that link which means we can relate to eachother. A few months ago I joined a Facebook group for other mums to be due in September and I've gotten to know a great bunch of people-again I wouldn't have known these people if I wasn't pregnant. That doesn't mean however I just want friends who are pregnant or who are mums-I have some friends who I speak to regularly, who even though may not always be interested in my constant baby babbling, always take time to care and chat to me.

Me and Michael have grown even closer as we almost reach that time we become parents. We have always had what I like to think as a special and unique bond-one in which we're best friends as well as partners. I often use the word 'soulmate' and it may come across as overly sentimental but I believe it's true with us. To see Michael, each and every day, talk to my bump and to see the excitement in his eyes just makes me fill up with emotion. If I could ever be certain of one thing, it's that he is going to make such a wonderful father who will never let our daughter down.

My mum and I have always been extremely close but now her baby is about to have a baby herself, we have grown even closer and she shares with me everything I need to expect and the sort of invaluable care and advice you can only get from your own mum. She is there constantly for me, without question and having to do the job of both a mother and a father makes me feel so truely respectful of all she has done and I hope that I can be as wonderful as she is as a mother to me.

So thank you, to those who these past months have been there to share this journey with me. To those who have drifted or just simply not bothered...thank you too, it's shown me what and who really matters in my life and many lessons have been learnt along the way.

xoxo